usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
Re: Need a laugh?
Dear Friend:
In The Past Year I May Have Disturbed You,
Irritated You, And Annoyed You;
I Just Want To Tell You That I Plan To Continue!
Happy New Year!
Re: Need a laugh?
Looking forward to laughing with you in 2014! Keep them coming!!shoemak38 wrote:
Dear Friend:
In The Past Year I May Have Disturbed You,
Irritated You, And Annoyed You;
I Just Want To Tell You That I Plan To Continue!
Happy New Year!
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.a ... ign=pickup
... no longer a stranger to paradise
Re: Need a laugh?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Re: Need a laugh?
Winter Travel Warning
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jump cables
I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jump cables
I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
Re: Need a laugh?
shoemak38 wrote:My goal hundred thousand views by year-end
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Thanks to 100,000 views I get to go here
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Re: Need a laugh?
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
jokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
jan 22 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Re: Need a laugh?
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
And the best for last
Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Re: Need a laugh?
These "cat confession" pics are so hilarious. Thanks for the smile today - actually I was literally laughing out loud.
Re: Need a laugh?
Why we love children...
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang s o she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang s o she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Re: Need a laugh?
did 2x
Last edited by shoemak38 on Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
Re: Need a laugh?
Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at
the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have
seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A
'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot,
Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the
last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply
going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age
girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases
into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
(It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th,
twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of
their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost
11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to
Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know
and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at
the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have
seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A
'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot,
Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the
last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply
going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age
girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases
into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
(It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th,
twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of
their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost
11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to
Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know
and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)