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Need a laugh?

Postby StJohnRuth » Wed Oct 14, 2009 6:47 am

I'll start:

http://www.on-stjohn.com/2008/08/18/exc ... ist-video/

I know it's been posted before. It's still funny, though. I hope you all have a day filled with good humor.

- Ruth
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Postby lprof » Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:15 am

Seem to be getting a lot of "old folks" jokes in my email...


An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man..
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'


Now a little Maxine...

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/floridalindalee/4011296860/" title="Picture 45 by lprof, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/4011296860_585411161b.jpg" width="301" height="385" alt="Picture 45"></a>

laughter - good medicine for many ills...
... no longer a stranger to paradise
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Postby mindehankins » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:06 am

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
“Hey give me an ML.” The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
“I’d like a BL.” Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.
(P.S. I'm blonde)

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, “Give me
a Fifteen.”

“A Fifteen?” the bartender replies, “What the hell is that?”

“Oh, you know,” the blonde says, “A Seven and Seven.”
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby AnyTing » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:36 am

StJohnRuth wrote:I'll start:

http://www.on-stjohn.com/2008/08/18/exc ... ist-video/

I know it's been posted before. It's still funny, though. I hope you all have a day filled with good humor.

- Ruth


That one NEVER gets old. :lol:
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby pipanale » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:45 am

StJohnRuth wrote:I'll start:

http://www.on-stjohn.com/2008/08/18/exc ... ist-video/

I know it's been posted before. It's still funny, though. I hope you all have a day filled with good humor.

- Ruth


Keepin' that clock at 14:58 for over a year.

Thank you, Ruth.

BTW: The bigger little one is way excited to meet you next summer and, yes...she plans to dance.

Not the traditional father/daughter dance, but I'm not very traditional
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Postby bevm » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:12 am

Having met Rob in person I think I enjoy that clip even more now!!


Someone sent me this this morning and it cracked me up:
Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off..
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Go od balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it i n through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Image
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Postby LMG » Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:11 am

Ah, nope, not old yet.
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby StJohnRuth » Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:09 pm

pipanale wrote:BTW: The bigger little one is way excited to meet you next summer and, yes...she plans to dance.

Not the traditional father/daughter dance, but I'm not very traditional


Rob, please promise me that you don't have the bigger little one taking dance lessons from the midget dancer lady.

- Ruth
Last edited by StJohnRuth on Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby flip-flop » Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:16 pm

I, for one, simply cannnnnnot wait for the non-traditional father daughter dance ;-)
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Postby augie » Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:25 pm

When I saw the thread title I thought of Pip, but for a different reason...

In that backwards-ass region he has to live in, someone probably told him, in response to one of his rants, that he should "get a laugh".

:wink:
Come see us!
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Postby California Girl » Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:49 pm

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but, I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work
something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please, ” she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “**** You!”.

Without flinching, she smiled and said, I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that too.
California Girl
 

Postby lprof » Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:59 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: My first real laugh today. Thank you CA Girl.

Laughing with Rob (Pip) is a continuing thing...
... no longer a stranger to paradise
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Postby LysaC » Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:13 pm

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

" Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see.....where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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Postby pipanale » Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:25 pm

augie wrote:When I saw the thread title I thought of Pip, but for a different reason...

In that backwards-ass region he has to live in, someone probably told him, in response to one of his rants, that he should "get a laugh".

:wink:


Reads it...reads again...says it out loud...

Oh...I see what you did

Nice
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Postby StJohnStyle » Wed Oct 14, 2009 6:19 pm

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress..."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winter vacations on St. John, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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