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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Oct 30, 2014 12:25 pm

Okay, New Hampshire is one of the swing states for this years Senate races, so we're getting lots and lots and lots and lots of phone calls and TV ads, so in honor of this event this week's jokes will be completely inappropriate :twisted: :twisted: :oops:

Needed in Congress - Please vote
ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr


ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease. That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx



A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?”

THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Nov 06, 2014 5:13 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Nov 13, 2014 12:30 pm

Not that there's anything wrong with it.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so
she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."



(P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)


Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.
“Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”
“No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”



Most of our generation has been HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

1. My mother taught me
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock

you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,

you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case

you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying,
and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in

this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father
when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me
HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you !"
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby linne » Mon Nov 17, 2014 3:57 pm

I NEEDED A LAUGH, AND AS ALWAYS FOUND IT HERE :D

LINNE
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Nov 20, 2014 1:01 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Nov 20, 2014 1:04 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:24 pm

today is last day of hunting season Sooooooooooo 8)
The Noon-er

A young farm couple, Homer and Doreen, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields, and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you, and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice, and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Dec 04, 2014 12:05 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Dec 04, 2014 12:08 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:57 am

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes nov by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr


what every guy needs for xmas :twisted: :twisted: :roll: :lol:
ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell, there's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."



"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end of the following list.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Fri Dec 19, 2014 9:06 am

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s
the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.




You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

High School Graduation

A student played high school football. He was a
great running back, but a really poor student.
At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a
great football star and the students held a rally and
demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were
so insistent that the principal agreed if Darryl could
answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the
students packed the place. It was standing room
only. The principal was on the stage
and told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in
his hand and said, "Darryl, if you can answer this
question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He
said he was ready and the principal asked him the
question.
"Darryl," he said,
"How much is three times seven?" He looked
up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just
pondering the question. The other students began chanting,
"Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then he held up his hand and the
auditorium became silent. He said, "I think
I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students
began another chant. "Give him another chance!
Give him another chance!"

HOW I LOST MY TEETH

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a
butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me,and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said,“I sure do.”

I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

The Preacher




I have always questioned if this man who came to our neighborhood frequently was really a preacher since that’s what everyone called him but he had no church.

When I heard he would be a guest preacher at a Las Vegas
Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and he came up to me - I don't know why, maybe it was
because I was the only new person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my f***ing car had been stolen! What happens in Las Vegas…..
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jan 01, 2015 4:10 pm

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that

her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hugher mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.

Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'



WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'





FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:43 pm

SIXTH PLACE

Goes to a San Anselmo, CA man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
 


FIFTH PLACE
 
 Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hotdog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

FOURTH PLACE
 
 Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
 


THIRD PLACE
 
 "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had a blasting cap in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It Wouldn't go off and this guy said," I'll show you how to set it off!". He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.
 
 Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. (Note: Maybe that's why they call these the Darwin Awards.)
 


SECOND PLACE
 
 Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably know now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.

Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friend had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."


THIS YEAR'S WINNER

John Pernicky and his friend, Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington Amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
 
 Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
 
 Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him.
 
 Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John deceased under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.



Congratulations, gentlemen. Five more idiots have been removed from the gene pool and we are richer because of your supreme sacrifice.





Female response to a survey on size.

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than that.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger!

6 inches - Perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches – Wow ! But can't have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.

But I'm a little disturbed at the way you think !
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shoemak38
 
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:07 pm

MENSA INVITATIONAL WORDS



The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out .

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And, the pick of the lot...

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @sshole.
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shoemak38
 
Posts: 2348
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu May 28, 2015 9:22 pm

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paraloympics after they tested positive for WD40.

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead .

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Boston

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies,f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 1 0:30 am.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
Last edited by shoemak38 on Thu May 28, 2015 9:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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