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Need a laugh?

A place for members to talk about things outside of Virgin Islands travel.

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu May 28, 2015 9:32 pm

Robot Lie Detector

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
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shoemak38
 
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Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jun 25, 2015 11:56 am

Imagejokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr


Imagejokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Posts: 2348
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Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Tue Jul 21, 2015 7:35 pm

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!


A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."




"It was my first day with the hook."




AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, 
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't.
So I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, 
so we tried a Jameson's nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,
Ireland's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it. 
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, 
I was so fookin' sh==-faced 
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Senior Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married,

 but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk. 






She said: "I want to keep my house." 


He said: "That's fine with me."



She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."


He said: "That's fine with me."



She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."




He said: "Put me down for Fridays! "

Top 8 Morons:

Top 8 Morons:

1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up!'


3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???* An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. *THE GETAWAY!!!* A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. *DID I SAY THAT???* Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'


6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???* A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?', the doctor asked. 'No! Jackass!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'


7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!* In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!


8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!* Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!


I think I knew this guy
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Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 4:56 pm

looking for a file found this old one 8)

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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Posts: 2348
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Fri Sep 04, 2015 10:28 am

Imagefeb 26 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagefeb 26 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagefeb 26 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagefeb 26 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Posts: 2348
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Fri Sep 04, 2015 10:29 am

Imagefeb 26 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:15 pm

25 Ways to know if you are a TRUE Floridian...aka Linda :twisted:

1. Socks are only for bowling.
2. You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes.
3. A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
4. Your winter coat is made of denim.
5. You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
6. You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
7. Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
8. You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
9. You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
10. You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
11. You dread love bug season.
12. You are on a first name basis with the hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Wilma, Irene, Cheryl, Rita, Mary, Alison
13. You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
14. You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
15. 'Down South' means Key West.
16. Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
17. You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
18. You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
19. A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
20. You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.
21. You've hosted a hurricane party.
22. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa and Micanopy.
23. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
24. You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
25. You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba.'
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Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Sat Oct 03, 2015 8:04 pm

Showering relaxes us and allows the mind to wander. And sometimes when our minds wander they stray onto some truly incredible things.

1. The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

2. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

3. Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making “equels” - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective.

4. X88B88 looks like the word "voodoo" reflecting off of itself.

5. April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.

6. Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.

7. Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.

8. I used hulu unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie.

9. Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.

10. Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.

11. When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.

12. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

13. In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of people's lives.

14. We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.

15. Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

16. Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.

17. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page

18. Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.

19. Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things is.

20. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Sat Oct 24, 2015 3:41 pm

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Posts: 2348
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:55 pm
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Wed Dec 09, 2015 1:27 pm

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Posts: 2348
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Fri Jan 15, 2016 1:02 pm

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Posts: 2348
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:55 pm
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 1:25 pm

Imagejokes jan by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Imagejokes jan by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes jan by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Imagejokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Location: Southern New Hamphire

Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Sat Apr 02, 2016 10:35 pm

This Year's Top Ten Country Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight, Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure MissHim
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Fri May 20, 2016 11:59 am

Imagefeb 25 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Imagefeb 25 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Imagefeb 25 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Posts: 2348
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jul 14, 2016 12:02 pm

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