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A place for members to talk about things outside of Virgin Islands travel.
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shoemak38
Posts: 2370
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

Post by shoemak38 »

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
Neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
The jar open.
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SS in NC
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:06 pm
Location: NC

Post by SS in NC »

Random Thoughts:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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SS in NC
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:06 pm
Location: NC

Post by SS in NC »

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'Ain't got no license. Y'all must understand, these are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yes sir. Every night, I take them down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these ice chests here and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man.. I'll show you. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
........

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north, did ya?
Pete (Mr. Marcia)
Posts: 1471
Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:48 pm
Location: Madison, Wisconsin

Post by Pete (Mr. Marcia) »

The Lone Ranger and his faithful horse, Silver, get captured by the Indians. The Indians tie the Lone Ranger to a tree and retire for the night.

After he is sure the Indians are asleep, the Lone Ranger whistles for Silver. The horse approaches and the Lone Ranger whispers something in the horse's ear. Silver dashes off into the night.

When Silver returns, he has a beautiful woman on his back. The Indians hear the approaching horse and awaken. They take the woman from Silver and, well, have their way with her. Tired, they fall back asleep.

Once he is sure the Indians are asleep, the Lone Ranger once again whistles for Silver. Silver approaches and the Lone Ranger says, "read my lips...I said Posse."
Wisconsin, smell the dairy air
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JT
Posts: 1515
Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:26 pm
Location: MD

Post by JT »

A while back my wife and I played this song for a group of folks that were over one evening. They thought we had written it, but no, John Prine wrote it. It's a fun, good time song that tends to make people smile, and usually reminds everyone of someone they know.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwJ2IzQTnhI
When you find yourself in a hole.... quit digging.
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shoemak38
Posts: 2370
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

black Friday

Post by shoemak38 »

Age By.....Trip to Wal-Mart....


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house

mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living

room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or

paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the

outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a

stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you

realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help

complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your

hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.

Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your

favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet

some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went

to school with the pretty girl running the register.



In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.

Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much

else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in

the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite

cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the

register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.



In your 40's:


Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough

to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on

different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of

Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any

of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and

do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing

running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird

thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your

hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to

get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror

and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes

you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she

sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you

remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar

and it says, "I Got Worms."



In your 60's:


Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the

dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you

were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing

hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the

register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so

you are not sure.


In your 70's:


Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they

have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog

crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at

you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:


Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now

you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and

wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.

Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You

went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
User avatar
lprof
Posts: 3130
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:09 pm
Location: Florida

Post by lprof »

JT wrote:A while back my wife and I played this song for a group of folks that were over one evening. They thought we had written it, but no, John Prine wrote it. It's a fun, good time song that tends to make people smile, and usually reminds everyone of someone they know.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwJ2IzQTnhI
My day is going very well... and that song brought even more smiles!
Thanks JT, and best wishes to you and yours for a Happy Thanksgiving.
... no longer a stranger to paradise
User avatar
JT
Posts: 1515
Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:26 pm
Location: MD

Post by JT »

So, A husband was watching his wife working in the garden and when she bent over he said "My,God, Your butt is getting huge! Why, I bet it's wider than the patio grill", and with that he got out a tape measure and said," Ah ha! Just I thought. It is wider then the grill."
Well, later that night while in bed he tried to snuggle up to her and get a little frisky. For some reason she was having none of it. He asked,"What's the matter?" She answered, "You don't expect me to fire up this big ass grill for that one little weenie, do you?"
When you find yourself in a hole.... quit digging.
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sea-nile
Posts: 3761
Joined: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:24 pm
Location: Southeast Wisconsin

Post by sea-nile »

Colorado Balloon Incident SOLVED!!










just what I suspected...










<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/sea-nile/4135832361/" title="Boy in Balloon by jtmmrut, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2613/413 ... c077_o.jpg" width="398" height="204" alt="Boy in Balloon"></a>




<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/sea-nile/4136593662/" title="!cid__2_02D1579C02D151540082E49C86257678 by jtmmrut, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2538/413 ... a3b5_o.jpg" width="498" height="373" alt="!cid__2_02D1579C02D151540082E49C86257678"></a>




<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/sea-nile/4135832377/" title="!cid__2_02D15A2802D151540082E49C86257678 by jtmmrut, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2667/413 ... b8f5_o.jpg" width="499" height="283" alt="!cid__2_02D15A2802D151540082E49C86257678"></a>



Jiffy POP!
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shoemak38
Posts: 2370
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

it's friday

Post by shoemak38 »

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4138371985/" title="deer stand by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2513/413 ... ab9475.jpg" width="500" height="380" alt="deer stand"></a>
User avatar
shoemak38
Posts: 2370
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

Post by shoemak38 »

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4138382255/" title="speedo by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2681/413 ... e2abf7.jpg" width="366" height="206" alt="speedo"></a>
User avatar
shoemak38
Posts: 2370
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

Post by shoemak38 »

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4139171576/" title="fishing by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2704/413 ... 244304.jpg" width="500" height="419" alt="fishing"></a>
User avatar
shoemak38
Posts: 2370
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:55 pm
Location: Southern New Hamphire

alot of good ones this week

Post by shoemak38 »

The Duck is Dead

A woman brought her very limp duck, Cuddles, into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm very sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,” I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."
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JT
Posts: 1515
Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:26 pm
Location: MD

Re: alot of good ones this week

Post by JT »

shoemak38 wrote:The Duck is Dead

A woman brought her very limp duck, Cuddles, into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm very sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,” I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."
Ok, Shoe, that gets a ....
Bada Bing, Bada Boom
When you find yourself in a hole.... quit digging.
California Girl

Post by California Girl »

You guys are cracking me up! :) Love the Jiffy Pop one! :lol:

Shoemak38... but seriously folks... is this thing on? I'll be here all week, try the veal. :lol: :lol:
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