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Need a laugh?

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jun 12, 2014 12:15 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jun 19, 2014 12:17 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jun 19, 2014 12:18 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Jun 26, 2014 12:15 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby lprof » Thu Jun 26, 2014 12:33 pm

Sharing... :wink:



seems it disappeared :roll:
Last edited by lprof on Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
... no longer a stranger to paradise
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:11 pm

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

a mid summer joke back in Sept
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Wed Aug 13, 2014 12:29 pm

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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:44 pm

the margarita lady had to leave as she ran out of Margarita mix there was no sense keeping her around without any margaritas. So my first post this fall is to make us all feel very old :twisted: :roll:

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr




ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
Last edited by shoemak38 on Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:59 pm

COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:20 am

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went....

Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 



The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. 


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"









Deep Thinkers

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today,
and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated
some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I
said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just
thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,”You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another
Beer.


ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Sep 18, 2014 12:05 pm

A TEST FOR OLDER KIDS. :twisted:

This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! Answer them first.....
*****************

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.


02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1965, we all watched them on The _________ ________________ Show.


03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'


04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'


05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'


06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'


07. Nestle's makes the very best _______________.'


08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.


09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________
________... '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.


13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.


14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.


15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ___________ ____________.

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!


18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows!


19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________





ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19.Monster Mash

20. Speedy
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Sep 25, 2014 12:08 pm

Trivia

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Mon Sep 29, 2014 5:58 pm

Five years ago the off-topic forum was a very opinionated place and very unenjoyable. So our own Ruth from St. John spice try to lighten things up (and succeeded) by starting a thread about jokes which I kind of become the custodian of over the last four years. Since that time email jokes have been replaced by Facebook posts and material has become hard to come by. However we have persevered as I am a wild and crazy guy (oh wait a minute that’s Steve Martin) okay I’m just an old fart with access to some slightly left of center off-color jokes.
So in honor of our five year anniversary coming up in mid-October I like to make the month of October the best of the best from last five years. Please everybody pitch in and help :twisted: :roll: 8)

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:44 am

Polish Moose Hunt

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected, saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load, and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr
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Re: Need a laugh?

Postby shoemak38 » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:23 pm

And for my first blast from the past :twisted:

The Complete Military History of France:

* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
Years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

* The Dutch War - Tied

* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."

* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

* The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.

* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

* War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

From an American's point of view, the French are always there when they
need us!
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