The Festivus Thread

A place for members to talk about things outside of Virgin Islands travel.
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bevm
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Post by bevm »

sailorgirl wrote:
pipanale wrote:
Pete (Mr. Marcia) wrote:I say we move on to the feats of strength.
Wanna know what REALLY sucks and will make me the winner of this thread. Yesterday I was diagnosed with what may be an ulcer. The initial treatment to determine how bad it is? Nexium and NO BOOZE! I have to do the holidays sober!

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi...you're my only hope
I've heard its possible to introduce alcohol by bypassing the upper digestive tract. Think "Fleet." I know it sounds extreme... but you sound like you might need to take extreme measures.:-)
Pip...an eggnog enema sounds like a shitload of fun. :wink: I think you should try it and report back...
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PA Girl
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Post by PA Girl »

loria wrote:
djmom wrote:I really don't care, but I just got a Christmas card from my parents with a photo of who? The grandchildren? No, the dog. Just thought that was timely.
HA!!! i can TOTALLY relate--my inlaws (who i honestly love--but are totally nutty) EVERY YEAR the card is dog themed (but they are cute--my FIL draws them)--
oh, i didn't tell you FIL is/was a war of 1812 and napoleanic wars re-enactor: my husband said if he ever writes an autobiography it will begin like this:
" i was well into my 20's when i realized my parents were insane. Mother went to the dogs and Dad retreated into history......"

I can only imagine what ourkids will write about us when te time comes
Does he dress up for everyday events?

We will attend a party on Sunday. One of the guests is a civil war re-enactor. It has taken over his life. He will be in full dress uniform, complete with sword.

He looks quite spectacular, like he stepped off a movie set and I often wonder what his wife and kids think about it.
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Tracy in WI
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Post by Tracy in WI »

I have nothing to add that would compete with a single one of these stories - so thank you all for showing me that I should be grateful this holiday season.

I must say that the winner thus far is Bev with the roof peeing FIL. OMG!!!
Tracy, Seaside Properties at Grande Bay
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pipanale
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Location: Raleigh, NC

Post by pipanale »

PA Girl wrote:
We will attend a party on Sunday. One of the guests is a civil war re-enactor. It has taken over his life. He will be in full dress uniform, complete with sword.

He looks quite spectacular, like he stepped off a movie set and I often wonder what his wife and kids think about it.
Blue or Gray? Because, if it's the latter, do what I do around here and remind people that the North Won ...a Loooooooong time ago and that it's really time to let go.

they really like that
PA Girl
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Post by PA Girl »

Blue. And a general to boot!

Seriously, I wish you and JS were our neighbors, my husband also can't keep his mouth shut around gray re-enactors.

Maybe it is our proximity of Gettysburg but there are, in my opinion, an unusually high number of civil war re-enactor units in my area. No summer festival is complete with a camp-out and mock battle of some sort.
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chicagoans
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Post by chicagoans »

pipanale wrote:
PA Girl wrote:
We will attend a party on Sunday. One of the guests is a civil war re-enactor. It has taken over his life. He will be in full dress uniform, complete with sword.

He looks quite spectacular, like he stepped off a movie set and I often wonder what his wife and kids think about it.
Blue or Gray? Because, if it's the latter, do what I do around here and remind people that the North Won ...a Loooooooong time ago and that it's really time to let go.

they really like that
OK - crazy Northerner story. College days (long ago), one of my besties went to school at Davidson NC. Visited her there over spring break with some other girlfriends, one rather naive. Go to a local red-neckish bar where Davidson girl advises we be inconspicous and not talk alot about being from Chicago etc. Walk in and see a HUGE Confederate flag over the bar. Naive girl says, loudly, "Oh LOOK! A British flag!" Dead silence and every head in the place swivels toward us. We beat a hasty retreat. We were at least smart enough to know that we did not blend.
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loria
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Post by loria »

PA Girl wrote:
Does he dress up for everyday events?

We will attend a party on Sunday. One of the guests is a civil war re-enactor. It has taken over his life. He will be in full dress uniform, complete with sword.

He looks quite spectacular, like he stepped off a movie set and I often wonder what his wife and kids think about it.[/quote]

NO -- thank GOD--but he did travel to reneact waterloo and also to Malta or something--he was some commander of some sort--
< leaving on the 22nd of march...but too lame to figure out the ticker thing again!>
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Lulu76
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Post by Lulu76 »

We had a Civil War re-enactor at Thanksgiving. You should have seen his face when he found out my roommate is a Civil War historian. She said he made up some crazy shit, but it was entertaining. He was blue too, which is rare in these parts.

As for Agent 99's situation, I think it would fit in well here or could do well in its own thread. Mostly I just wanted to say that I think her sister-in-law sounds like a good candidate when we get to the Feats of Strength portion of our celebration.

Hey y'all, let's just ditch our crazy families and meet at The Beach Bar next Christmas. Save the date!
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Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
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Post by Marcia (Mrs. Pete) »

Tracy in WI wrote:I have nothing to add that would compete with a single one of these stories - so thank you all for showing me that I should be grateful this holiday season.
Nothing from our families even comes close to these stories either. The only thing I can come up with is from my "former life."

My EX-MIL was a total fruit cake. She never had her gifts wrapped and ready on the allotted day we were to celebrate at their house (big family, small house, everyone would sweat and wait and wait and wait for her to be done.) Every year, she would kind of "give up" at some point. So, we'd start opening gifts, taking turns. When we'd get to the end, there were always missing gifts. She'd run to the other room and magically produce a gift for the person missing one. My favorite was a pair of '80's style Jane Fonda work out leggings with a crop top. It wasn't the '80's and I was full out pregnant.

After getting tired of these Christmas' at their house, I suggested that we start celebrating at OUR house, and they were welcome to come (along with the other 12 family members). They were always a good three hours late (I am NOT exaggerating) but, at least in my house, there was wine. I could deal.
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)

Missing St. John. As always.
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pipanale
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Post by pipanale »

(Takes microphone (long cord attached) and strolls down plush carpeted stairs...sits down (exposing just enough bulge to entice the ladies) and spikes the lens)

These have been some great stories folks but I'd like to speak to you all right now. Speak...from the heart.

It seems to me that we've all shown that there is no such thing as normal. In fact, for those of us who spend holidays battling well-costumed yet incontinent dogs, yelling, peeing, ladders, dirty pants, mid 19th century military objects, we probably feel bad for you if you don't have to go through this. It's part of what weaves the stories of our lives together. It's what makes us all laugh so hard that we double over and fall on the floor, begging for it to stop.

Would we all give just about anything to have a "normal" holiday? Yes...but what is normal? Where would the stories come from?

All I know is that we have a common bond that goes beyond insanity. We've all carved ourselves a little Happy Place where we can go and seek peace. For me, that place is a little rock in a big ocean. It comes with a bottle of rum and makes me realize that you can truly get away from it all.

Because, in the end, we may all love our families and all their faults, but if we don't get the hell away from them on a regular basis, we will kill them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee somewhere inappropriate and feed those dogs over there a bucket of bacon grease.

Carry on.
Godspeed to all.


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Has anyone seen my BB Gun?
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augie
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Post by augie »

Since I seem to have successfully repressed my holiday memories that would have been appropriate to this thread, I'd like to at least add this, that I received as an email last year. It's been around, but it's funny, and - who knows? - it may have originated from the families of one of you folks:

(This is an article submitted to the Louisville Sentinel in contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.)

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal -Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!'

'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'Doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.

I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a Doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.

Not just talking, but actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.
Come see us!
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Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
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Post by Marcia (Mrs. Pete) »

Ohmygod, Augie, that was WONDERFUL!
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)

Missing St. John. As always.
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Carolyn
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Post by Carolyn »

Just when I think this thread can't get any better!

Thanks for ALL of the laughs,
and
Augie, yours is a keeper!
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Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
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Post by Marcia (Mrs. Pete) »

A little OT but my favorite Christmas recipe:



Rum Christmas Cookies:

1 cup of water

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp. salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tbsp. lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle rum

Sample the rum in a large glass to check quality.

Take a large bowl, and check the rum again, to be sure it is of
the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it’s best to make sure the rum is still OK, so,
try another
cup.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the rum.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to

put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)

Missing St. John. As always.
Agent99
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Location: Cape Ann MA

Post by Agent99 »

bevm wrote:
Pip...an eggnog enema sounds like a shitload of fun. :wink: I think you should try it and report back...
OMG you guys are just killing me!!!
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