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The Festivus Thread

A place for members to talk about things outside of Virgin Islands travel.

Moderator: The Mgmt.

Postby Terry » Sun Dec 26, 2010 12:30 am

I knew that there was a reason that my husband and I moved as far away from our family to raise our own children... as we possibly could. They lived in MI and FL in retirement years. We flipped the dice and it landed in Colorado...so here we are. (32 years later) And it was great to raise our girls away from our family. Visiting them 2-3 times a year was special.

We just enjoyed the most thankful Christmas with just the 4 of us, after picking up youngest daughter at the airport at 2 pm today. Swiss cheese fondue for dinner with wilted lettuce salad and youngest daughter brought a unbelievable bottle of wine from France for a perfect dinner.

We worked on a puzzle until we couldn't keep our eyes open and now they are all in bed and I feel thankful to have our family together for Christmas.

I love this season...for giving....sharing...and being thankful for your blessings.
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Postby loria » Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:30 pm

to quote Nietsche: ' family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wall paper.'
< leaving on the 22nd of march...but too lame to figure out the ticker thing again!>
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Postby PA Girl » Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:32 pm

Terry wrote:We just enjoyed the most thankful Christmas with just the 4 of us, after picking up youngest daughter at the airport at 2 pm today. Swiss cheese fondue for dinner with wilted lettuce salad and youngest daughter brought a unbelievable bottle of wine from France for a perfect dinner.

We worked on a puzzle until we couldn't keep our eyes open and now they are all in bed and I feel thankful to have our family together for Christmas.

I love this season...for giving....sharing...and being thankful for your blessings.


That sounds perfect. Mr. PA and I, because of our joint wacky childhooods and parents, talk about how we will do things differently. No pressure, just relaxation and companionship.
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Postby pipanale » Mon Dec 27, 2010 10:29 am

Let’s start this journey on the 24th. Mind you, we’re highlighting only the insane things that happened. Plenty of nice things happened, but there’s no fun in them.

On Friday afternoon, before we went up the road, Shmuppie was outside playing with some neighbors. Sometime later, JewelrySlut discovered her sitting on a curb. It seems the other kids had gone home and, rather than come home, Shmuppie decided to sit on a curb outside in the cold. That’s the Christmas Spirit!

We retrieved her and went up the road for Christmas Eve. At this time, the full story of the night before was revealed to us. After we left, SIL and C went up to the 3rd floor of the house and had a screaming fight. My mother, zonked out, missed this. My brother, Father and D all sat, uncomfortably, in the family room and tried to watch TV over the screaming from upstairs.

When my brother retrieved her to go to bed she announced, loudly, that she wanted a divorce. Good times! The following morning, she announced that she had no idea what happened and didn’t know why my brother was mad. Having told her the story, she asked him if HE wanted a divorce. MERRY CHRITSTMAS! My brother then made her go down the hall to apologize to my father. She had maybe 2 glasses of wine all weekend after that.

So, what did we learn? Not only is she a lousy parent, but she’s also a lousy drunk. Betting is open on how much longer they last.

It’s OK to have a dress fitting when the family is over. It’s apparently not OK to have your drunken neighbor come over. We all disagreed.

My parents’ neighbor is the widow of Dee Murray, Elton John’s drummer. She’s also a raving drunk who’s hooked on a number of prescriptption pills. She often just wanders over to my parents’ house to talk, lean on walls or beg for vodka. My mother, the fool, helps her out by giving her booze. Yes…this woman has no license because of multiple DWI’s, has been to “drunk camp” 3 times in the past 18 months, runs out of pills the day she gets them and is otherwise a mess. My mother gives her drinks. So, apparently she called on the 24th because “I’m shaking” and she needed vodka to tide her over. My mother left a drink on the front porch and told her she could not come inside. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The rest of Christmas Eve passed in usual fashion; it was loud, there was too much food, the kids all scattered to their assorted video games, Shmuppie pouted and sulked.

We went back on the 25th.
This was the plan:
I’d start the prime rib.
We’d open gifts.
We’d yell.
We’d eat.
We’d go home.

We arrived and I started the meat. Shmuppie grabbed a bag of Cheetos and went up to my father’s office and sat on the floor. By herself. I just kept trying, in vain, to get the family to the 1st floor so we could do gifts. My hope was that gifts would keep Shmuppie occupied. HA!

Gift opening goes like this: My mother squawks and hands out gift bags. They’re never tagged and she can’t remember who got what. Meanwhile, my father was nowhere to be found. From my perch in the dining room, I could see him out in the kitchen, holding 2 dogs and whispering to them.

Dad…we’re opening gifts.
Nothing. I did, however, now see him at the kitchen table moving cheese around on a platter.
DAD! GIFTS!
Again…nothing. He was hiding.
Where’s Dad?
He’s hiding from us.

Now, it’s the thought that counts, right? That’s what they say, isn’t it? Well, what happens when you know damn sure that your gifts involved no thought. My mother went back to her old form this year.

I got an ugly shirt that’s a size too large and a horrible book. JewelrySlut got a very small purse. Great gift for a woman who carries a diaper bag instead of a purse! We also got a garlic bulb roaster “Because I knew you’d hate it” and a random, unframed, needlepoint. I held it up and actually asked “Was this for us?”

The kids got clothes. Shmuppie was not happy, tossed her clothes on the floor and walked off. We think that her recent trip to Disney was her Christmas present. That was implied in the card, but never told to her. So, as her 8 year old mind sees it, she got the shaft for Christmas.

We also think that Shmuppie’s trip to Disney was our gift too because there are few other reasons to explain why we got no gifts that we’ll end up keeping. Already, everything we got from them is in the Goodwill pile.

HOORAY!

Snow was forecast for the Triangle, starting on Christmas evening. As the prime rib was finishing, the spinach was being sautéed, my father announced, with fury, that we were out of milk. He was going to buy more because “WE NEED MILK”.

Um Dad…nothing is open.
But we need milk.
Who needs milk? You have enough for coffee in the morning.
We need milk.
No…you don’t want to be here. Nothing is open.

He became furious and went somewhere with the dogs. We had to find him to bring him to the table; he criticized the prime rib and then fed the dogs from the table.

All in all, it was a fairly typical Christmas.

JewelrySlut decided that, next year, we’re going to Florida.

Happy Festivus everyone.
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Postby PA Girl » Mon Dec 27, 2010 1:53 pm

WOW! A blackout drunk to boot! If she acts like that in front of relatives, imagine what she is like when it is just the two of them. Shudder....
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Postby Chet » Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:19 pm

The frentic energy of the opening 10-15 minutes of a James Bond thriller, retold by David Mamet and directed by the Coen Brothers as a 3-4 day Christmas pagent. You know it turns out badly for most...but no one can stop the cruelity and no one looks away. :twisted:
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Image
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Postby mbw1024 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:50 pm

sounds funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Dee Murray was a bassist. Nigel Olsson was drummer for EJ. File that away for future trivia games :)
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Postby pipanale » Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:13 pm

PA Girl wrote:WOW! A blackout drunk to boot! If she acts like that in front of relatives, imagine what she is like when it is just the two of them. Shudder....


I learned that she throws remotes at him.

mbw1024 wrote:sounds funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Dee Murray was a bassist. Nigel Olsson was drummer for EJ. File that away for future trivia games :)


Whatever he was, my mother has a real gold record that was given to her as thanks for vodka. I'm not kidding. the real thing is in a frame in the family room. She's got a houseful of them.
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Postby shoemak38 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:17 pm

Pipanale
Your brother e-mailed me to ask me for some help apparently they did a family photo for you but apparently you were gone go kart racing by yourself at the time so I posted it for them. Your parents neighbor Dee took the picture in exchange for a bottle of vodka. :twisted: :twisted:


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5297592515/" title="jokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5006/5297592515_687648693b_b.jpg" width="696" height="537" alt="jokes dec"></a>
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Postby bubblybrenda » Mon Dec 27, 2010 10:13 pm

Shomak38 ~ :lol: :lol: :lol: Ohhh, I laughed so hard.
~Brenda~
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Postby LysaC » Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:43 am

is Pip's bum in the picture or was he the artiste?
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Postby pipanale » Thu Dec 30, 2010 9:56 am

One last thing that I remembered.

On the 23rd (before the drunken screaming), my parents were telling about their recent trip to WDW with Little Miss Spoiled.

They went with The Gunkles and their niece. (Figure it out).

Well...SIL decides to explain ti her kids who the Gunkles are and how we came to know them.

"They'll understand. They have an uncle who's gay"

I was just eating my soup at the time and barely paying attention to what apparently happened at that instant.

"Oh my god...what did you just do?" asked my brother...looking across the table at a horrified 12 year old.

Mom had just outed Uncle Kevin (or whatever the hell is name may be) at the dinner table...3000 miles from home.

I fell off my chair and had to lie on the floor for a few minutes I was laughing so hard.

and this was BEFORE she'd started drinking!
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Postby pipanale » Wed Nov 23, 2011 1:48 pm

Well folks...we're back and back a month early. Why, you all ask? Do you really need to ask?

It's FESTIVUS SEASON!!!!!!

Background:
A month ago, my father in law passed away after a long illness. So, our desire, stated above, to spend the holidays in FLA is now even stronger. We're not leaving "Bonus Mom" there by herself. As of today, my parents don't know this. I haven't told them yet because it hasn't been the right time to crush their spirits.

T-1 to Thanksgiving:
Thanksgiving is Our holiday. That means we celebrate it as WE want to; no family. Just our 2 friends (and travel companions). We eat and drink too much and really enjoy ourselves.
Phone buzzes...text from my brother: "Mom and Dad have now bailed on is last minute for 2 consecutive holidays. I have a 12lb turkey for 2 people"

Um...make soup? the real problem is: THEY WILL BE IN RALEIGH AND NOT MD FOR THANKSGIVING!!!!!! HOLY HELL!!!!!!!!

The circus has begun. Since we're all a bunch of assholes in my family, my parents will not tell me they're at home. Since they didn't tell me, I will not know they're home. As a result, we will not speak all weekend because we'll all avoid each other because they know that we don't want them within 200 miles of our house. I don't need their crazy here tomorrow. They also know that I know that I don't know that they're home. This will play itself out over the weekend through some good old fashioned passive aggressiveness.

Also, my mother's closest cousin's wife just died suddenly. The funeral's in NJ on Saturday. she's very upset but also wants to go...just not alone. but she won't ask my father and he won't offer. So, she's probably not going. If it weren't Thanksgiving weekend, I'd go to NJ for this because this is a G-D tragedy that she died and I'm so upset about it that I can't even process being upset about it. So, she's NOT going to NJ because my father won't offer to take her and because she wont' ask him.

Where's my book deal?

more to come...as expected.
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Postby PA Girl » Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:15 pm

Bless you Pip for bumping this thread!

What a spectacular, craptastic drama you have playing out. (Sorry to hear about the nice wife passing.)

We narrowly dodged a bullet, my MIL almost came to visit. Our last Thanksgiving with her rivals your family gatherings Pip. I might have to write about it later on.
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Postby linne » Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:50 pm

Your topics are always fun to read, Pipanale, but I have to say that this one is very complicated for a "not too good speaking English" woman to understand :D :D Perhaps I don't know enough about your family.

Linne
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