Taking care of your parent

Connie · Post by **Connie** » Fri Nov 09, 2012 10:50 pm

I have to admit...I'm exhausted.

Anybody else? Any ideas?

verjoy · Post by **verjoy** » Sat Nov 10, 2012 1:59 am

I have no answers, just sympathy for what you are going through.

I was going to give you a decription of the last several years taking care of my Mom, but I don't think you need the details. Lets just say it has been difficult. Mom had a fire that destroyed part of her home in 2008, broke her femur in 2010, and then was diagnosed with late onset dementia.

She lives 200 miles away, next door to my sister who is also disabled and needs help to live alone. We struggled for about a year to care for Mom both in her home and ours. Finally, almost a year ago, we had to resort to a home. She is well taken care of, and now has hospice services also.

I don't know the situation with your parent, but I know you probably want to do as much as you can for them. But there comes a time when you can't cope and it gets to be too much, then you have to call in the professionals.

Connie · Post by **Connie** » Sat Nov 10, 2012 7:56 am

In the past six years, she has had a shoulder replacement, colon cancer and two mini strokes in front of me. She broke her femur in 4 places in July. She's 89. After two months in rehab she is now back in her home. She's doing pretty well.

I have 2 brothers. One of them is great and helps out, the other not so much.

I just find myself doing the laundry, her banking, the bills, meals, doctor appointments, shopping, anything you can think of.

I'm just tired and I'm starting resent the fact that when the "chosen" brother stops by maybe once a week to see her, it's a celebration!

I also feel that I can't do enough her. Just tired.

Xislandgirl · Post by **Xislandgirl** » Sat Nov 10, 2012 7:56 am

The best advice I can give is to recognize your feelings and don't ignore them.
You have to give yourself a break. If you don't, you will grow to resent the relationship. I was lucky enough to have family close by so that we could all get a break from time to time.
Taking care of yourself is as important as the care of your parent!
I am thinking of you, it is not easy.

verjoy · Post by **verjoy** » Sat Nov 10, 2012 11:40 am

My sister has always lived near our parents and needed their help raising her family. For over 20 yrs my Mom has provided a rent-free home for my sister next door and I think Mom expected that she would be able to stay in her own home until the end and my sister would care for her. That became impossible because of my sister's health problems and Mom's mental and physical deterioration.

When we were there we ended up taking care of both of them. Even with great help from my nieces and nephews, it was exhausting. After Mom had a hospital stay, my sister and I decided to transfer her to a nursing home. Mom was not happy and she pressured my sister for months to take her home. My sister would have relented but I had to tell her that we could no longer do it. My point is-at some time you may have to draw a line and tell your siblings that some other arrangements will have to be made for your Mom.

GotToGetAway · Post by **GotToGetAway** » Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:02 pm

I worked in health care for the last 12 years, most of that time with elderly patients. I have seen sibling relationships torn apart over things like care, and especially over any remaining assets. I can offer some advice:
1. consider hiring a Personal Care Aide or Home Health Aide or Personal companion that can help with things like doctors appointments, laundry, dishes, shopping, and cooking. Even if it's 1-2 times a week, it will be a relief to you. Some nursing homes offer something called respite, where she is taken care of and you can go on vacation for some much needed rest.
2. Discuss your feelings with your siblings. They may not understand how you are feeling (after all they are men, and men often don't understand women's feelings). Make a list of the things you do weekly for your mom. Ask them to pick a weekly task that would aide in her care and alleviate you.
3. Discuss a plan for your mom's future (include her in the discussion of course). At what point would she require alternate care (i.e live in aide, live out aide, assisted living, nursing home, move in with one of you). What do her finances allow? Does she have a Living Will/Health Care Proxy? Discuss what her wishes are for end of life (DNR/DNI, tube feedings if needed, etc). These are things better to discuss before they are needed and while she can answer them. That way all siblings are aware of her wishes. This lessens tensions when the time comes and preserves sibling relationships for the future.
4. There is often a "chosen" sibling, any the reasons are not always logical.
I hope at least a portion of this is helpful to you.

momto3boys · Post by **momto3boys** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:41 am

Connie,

I am going through something similar though not the same. In my case instead of the daily grind killing me it is the stress and guilt of not being able to be there killing me. I live almost 5 hours away. My brothers are of no help. They live on separate coasts anyway. I cannot get my parents to move closer, visit with an elder care lawyer, apply for VA benefits, call for rides for Dr. appointments (except from Church members), do power of attorney for anyone besides each other. Basically anything that would make any of this easier.

My Dad just had hip replacement surgery so he is in a home for now for rehab. and furious with my Mom for not taking care of him. She can't really take care of her self. They both have too many conditions to even mention. She had a week by herself. Her sister stays with them whenever she can to help out. I was calling everyday to check on her. To make a long story short. I had to send to someone to the house on Wed. thinking she must be unresponsive or have died because she was not answering. Come to find out the home health nurse had her admitted to the hospital the day before and no one had called anyone!! Not one person had been notified that she was there.

I have an 8 year old son still at home of course plus 2 grown sons. Through this past Spring and Summer alone I left him behind with my husband countless times to go there and help out. My Dr. finally put his foot down. It is really taking a toll on my body trying to be everything to everyone. I have no answers.

Connie · Post by **Connie** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 9:28 am

I feel for you....really. I'm almost to the point where I think I can't do enough.

I'm scared to go anywhere, because that's when something happens. Two years ago when we were on STT, she got sick and ended up in the hospital. I freaked out and we were able to get home the same day. We've been asked to go up the poconos, but I can't do it because I feel that something will happen.

This is taking a big toll on my health and marriage. I'm either sad, nervous, shaking, not thinking right or just sleeping more to calm mysel down.

I'm very lucky to still have my Mother and I know I'm trying mybest.

Connie · Post by **Connie** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 9:31 am

Got... We're working on everything you posted. I did have a very nice girl to come over and she would help out. Chosen one said no.

Have a list of things to get done, so we have to get together on that. It's just that I'vedone so much over the years, that she only trusts me.

PA Girl · Post by **PA Girl** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 11:45 am

Momto3boys - I really feel for you. I had a similar situation with my father. He threw up roadblocks at every offer for help, there were a 1,000 excuses of why he couldn't do X,Y or Z , like having a cleaning lady or letting me prep meals for him. It took the threat of legal action to bring him somewhat to his senses. The thing is, he would have thrived in an assisted living environment and his quality of life for the final two or three years would have been much better.

Connie - I hope you are able to work through GotTo's advice.

Connie · Post by **Connie** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:27 am

Yesterday morning my daughters boyfriend went into cardiac arrest at the age of 33. My daughter found him on the bathroom Floor with no pulse. EMT's took him to the hospital and he is now on life support.

She lost her fiancé 6 years ago to a horrible car accident.

When things like this happen, a lot of things get put on the back burner.

Just need some prayers sent my daughters way to help her manage this devastating news.

lprof · Post by **lprof** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:01 am

Connie I am so sorry for this heartbreaking time for your daughter. Wishing a miracle.

mindehankins · Post by **mindehankins** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:54 am

Oh, Connie, so sorry to hear this. Absolutely sending prayers for you, your daughter and her boyfriend!

michigancouple · Post by **michigancouple** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 12:13 pm

Oh my goodness! Lifting you all up in prayer. (((Hug)))

momto3boys · Post by **momto3boys** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 3:44 pm

Connie,

I am so sorry. I am sending prayers.

usvi-on-line