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A place for members to talk about things outside of Virgin Islands travel.
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

couple other new ones last page


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Last edited by shoemak38 on Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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shoemak38
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Location: Southern New Hamphire

Post by shoemak38 »

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.



I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.





FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.





Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.





Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.





Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!



My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.





The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.



KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.



I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.



Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.



I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.




When you work here
you can name your own salary.
I named mine "Fred".



Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.



Red meat is not bad for you
Furry green meat is bad for you.




Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.



Corduroy pillows are making headlines!



I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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shoemak38
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Location: Southern New Hamphire

Post by shoemak38 »

a little other side of the pond humor. And yes, I added a little black box to keep this a PG-13 post. :roll:
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

Bricklayer's Accident Report printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

Why she changed motels


Last week, she checked into a motel on her 63rd birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."




Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."




The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."




They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."




The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"



Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."




The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"




Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"




A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.




"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.So we gave him his two dollars back."
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

Next week is the two-year anniversary of this thread. So like any anniversary we need to celebrate.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :roll:

Please go through the last two years of jokes and pick your favorite and copy/repost we can all laugh for a second time (let's start today and end on Oct 14 :lol: )
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LysaC
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Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:42 pm
Location: New England

Post by LysaC »

Me first! I loved going through some of the earlier threads! Great way to end a really hard work week. I really love this series of jokes-

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and learned that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

shoemak38 wrote:Next week is the two-year anniversary of this thread. So like any anniversary we need to celebrate.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :roll:

Please go through the last two years of jokes and pick your favorite and copy/repost we can all laugh for a second time (let's start today and end on Oct 14 :lol: )
come on lets see some jokes :cry:

one of my favs

OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
Neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
The jar open
Terry
Posts: 905
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2007 4:57 pm

Outta the mouths of babes...

Post by Terry »

This is a true story. This 3rd grade class was given the assignment to pick a favorite sticker out of a basket and write a story about that sticker. It's called "sticker story".

Well, one 3rd grade boy picked a sticker with a picture of a "horse", and here is what he wrote:

Sticker of Hores.

"I like hores. Hores have other hores frinds. Hores like carots. You wouldn't think they could, but they can put thir legs strait up. Hores make you feel good. My dad wants hores, but my Mom says no. When I am 15 or 20 I will buy my own hores."

Priceless!
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shoemak38
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Post by shoemak38 »

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