usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
In the spirit of kitchen remodeling:
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but the bad news is that your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "But there is also good news. You've got $9000 in insurance money coming, and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It will cost roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before, and you get a nine incher now, she might be a bit intimidated. And if you had a nine incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. So, it's very important that she plays a role in helping you make this decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the bandaged man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the bandaged man.
"Alrighty then...... What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but the bad news is that your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "But there is also good news. You've got $9000 in insurance money coming, and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It will cost roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before, and you get a nine incher now, she might be a bit intimidated. And if you had a nine incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. So, it's very important that she plays a role in helping you make this decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the bandaged man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the bandaged man.
"Alrighty then...... What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
When you find yourself in a hole.... quit digging.
Spelling test to get into Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... there'll be Hell to pay later!
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... there'll be Hell to pay later!